Shut up brain

I received a txt from x a few hours ago.

Yep. abusive prick knows I overthink shit. He knows I won’t be able to sleep hence the txt at the late hour. I can’t work. My other relationship is being affected because I have to remember that T is not my diary. he does not have to hear every little thought I have. just because it’s bothering me it doesn’t mean I have to make him suffer too. So here. I am pouring my thoughts out here.

Why does it feel like it is my fault? I am so fucking tired of being strong. T told me he felt like he had no friends back at his place. I know how that feels. I have friends but not as close. I feel. everything and nothing at the same time.

Posting personal thoughts on FB doesn’t make a difference T said. I know that. but when you have this thing that is constantly eating your mind, don’t you just wish someone would hear it? I understand those personal thoughts on FB why people feel the need to air it out. why do you think I deleted the thing in the firstplace? I just wanted to let it out because it is bothering me and I can’t say it out loud.


I should start working.

I really should.

I’ll delete the stupid post. or make it private because Candy, who wants to hear all this shit about you?


Your “wants” will never be a priority in my life. Whatever. That is over. You toxic piece of crap. This is the consequences of your actions. 2018, you’ll receive that letter from court. I’ll file it then because noone should get away with how you treated us. Karma will get you too but I will still file the abuse case. You tell eveyone you’re the victim but noone knows what we’ve gon through under you. You fit the narcissist profile to a T. I hope you end up in jail after i file this. Get you off that pedestal you think you’re on.

What i cannot accept

Why is it so easy for you to discard me and the kids?

How could you and your family make it look like we are not worth it?

We matter too.

My kids are awesome and fuck you all if you don’t think they are not worth fighting for. Fuck you all.

I’ll get through this.

I have to.

Taking that leap

Here I am. New house rent paid for. Terrified and sad but relieved.

Terrified because i am leaping towards change. I have been so used to this life for 11 years. I’m back at square one with nothing. It terrifies me because i have more responsibilities now. My children is everything to me.

Sad because I dreamed something different. I thought i would have my own place and my family would still be intact. I wanted a family. I just wanted a stable and loving family.

Relieved because finally, i might find the peace of mind i have been looking for. More room for improvement and to plan a more stable step to the future. No more empty promises and manipulation. I am the one in charge now. It scares me and at the same time excites me.

For now, i’ll shed these tears and mourn my past dreams for the last time.

Look forward forward forward.

Start believing that I can because I do know that I can. I have to get her back. That confident me all those years ago. I know she’s still in me. I know.

I know…


He started to pick fights with the neighbors. He shouted at the owner of the house when she gave the go signal to the meralco personnel to cut off out electricity. Water was cut off due to our inability to pay. I asked again to work but since the kids has started school (owned by my uncle) and we had difficulty paying for the tuition. He said the kids needed me more so I stayed at home. We planned for the movie and then I got fired from the show at ViVa. He now worked alone and left for long periods of time. One day around march, he came home with a kiss mark on his chest which I noticed while he dined barechested with us and the kids. When asked he said the cat did it. I knew he was cheating again so our arguments became more frequent. My daughter saw a girl’s photo on his phone which turned out to be one of his ojt’s. My daughter told me and of course I got mad and refused to go out with Carlo. Carlo got mad and shouted at my daughter, scolding her about privacy and stuff she should not touch because it will lead to me getting mad at him. He screamed at my daughter until she cried. Our help already noticed them. While at the house where I welcomed the staff for the movie, he would spend more time with the girl than others. They were very close even though I was supposed to be the assistant director. I woke up early to cook for everyone vecause we had no food budget and he would prioritize the girl over everyone. He offered our room to the girl while I was inside resting so that she could rest too. So, feeling very disrespected and unappreciated, i told him i didn’t want to go to the rest of the shoot. But he got mad and insisted. While at the shoot, i had everything in order even Carlo’s special diet. He ate with girl and his cousin while I was left alone with other actors. Then Carlo and girl went inside a room and slept there while I was outside. Carlo’s cousin spoke and said “buti pa sila nakatulog na”. The disrespect and pity i felt that day traumatized me. His father was there and did nothing. I was tired and near tears. I told him I wouldn’t help anymore. He got mad and posted things online like it has been over between us for a long time. He made it look like I was sabotaging everything when I helped so much. He made me look like the bad guy when I was the one mistreated. After that, he still went on shooting the film without me. I siad i did not want to hear updates because my anger and hurt caused me severe panic attacks. My eldest son, right before the shoot, told me he saw a txt from someone named “baby ko” and that txt message said “love you po”.

I broke down and had a meltdown. Since he wanted out and pretty much announced it to everyone, i threw him out of the house. I had a nervous breakdown. I could not sleep because of anger and continuous mood fluctuations from manic to depressed. I had heart palpitations and I had little or no sleep. I asked my dad for help and his parents to intervene. I told them about financial problems and about the cheating and how hurtful he has become. His parents assured me they would talk and that they would pay for the house rent nd tuition to help. They said he was only confused and that I should stick with him for the kids sake. I told them the kids are already affected. They are already neglected and unprioritized even if Carlo tells everyone that we are his priority. Carlo and I talked and I asked him to move out. He said he had no money for a place and that if i help him get a new car, he would move out. His parents bought him the car and did not pay rent or tuition but he did not move out. He would come home in the middle of the night even though he knew it was a weekday and that we would be up early to help get the kids ready for school. The other car broke down and the kids and I had to commute from school while Carlo uses the new car to and fro the girl’s place. Our house rent is unpaid for 3-4 months and we are not thrown out because I know the owner. We would still frequently fight over txt. He called me stupid and blamed me for not amounting to anything. He said it was not his fault that the moneyin the joint account is gone. He blamed me for not giving him a chance or trusting him again. He said he gave up because he did not see the “old me”. We have not been a couple since early June or whenever the date is that he claimed we were no longer together to suit his agenda but he still comes home and expects us to cook, do his laundry and he still wants me to have sex with him. One time last week, he attempted to rape me because he is frustrated I keep saying no. He choked me and held m down and told me if I wanted to know how much he loved me he would have to kill me. He said he loved his gf but also loved me and that he won’t ever let me go. If it didn’t work out with his gf then he would still come back to me. He tried to shove his hand down my pants and i screamed. My son Liam who was sick at that time was sleeping next to the bed where he assaulted me. Liam woke up. Carlo stormed out. When I asked Liam he said he could hear me trying to stop Carlo and when he opened his eyes Carlo was gone but I was in tears. He would torment me and not keep his distance when around. I would ask for him to move away from me but he would order me not to say no. He also got mad at me when i tried to get help and has in the past prevented me from getting legal help. He plays the victim card so well and has projected his problems on me repeatedly and made me look like i am to blamed for not supporting him that I get fearful of speaking up whenever he would argue with me.


At this time, since i was so stressed at the whole situation, couped up inside and feeling stuck and helpless and totally dependent, i developed anxiety. I started to pull my hair out and suffered from trichotillomania until now. We could pay the rent on time because the rent was taken out of Carlo’s share of the newspaper and the owner of the house worked at the bank where their account is. When we had an opportunity to move out, because the kids were getting sick in the house, i asked to move back to Cavite where my parents are residing. My dad found us a nice house in a good neighborhood. The rent was a little high than what we were aiming for but carlo and his mom said it would be no problem. I could finally breathe, i told myself because Carlo was doing great at his work and the rent was shouldered by the newspaper. The kids were still being home schooled. Carlo swapped his old car for a new one. We had to buy new furniture and since I knew someone in the furniture business, we got a loan. Carlo promised to pay 5k per month to pay atleast 70k worth of furniture. Things were looking up. Then he got into photography. He took pictures of me as practice. They were a bit sexy for my taste but I did it because it would help his career. He started getting into implied nude and nude photography. He created a profile for my “model” work and he started speaking to people posing as me. Publishing sexy pictures has always bothered me but whenever I raised the issue, he would shit it down andreasoned that it was “art”. It could also help my career as a make up artist so I let it happen for a few months. This time, he targeted other female “nude” models and used my pictures so he could take pictures of them. He invited them over at the house and I would fix thwir makeup and hair. But I felt so disrespected so I asked my friends to report the “model” page. This angered him and he set up another one even without my consent. He followed this model, Peachy Estoque and made up stories so he could get her to pose. He would take her out and her child to nice places. He would invite the girl over and demand that I be nice to her and to stop being such a “bitch” because she had a lot of problems. He would send her money. He called her “love” and insist that they are just friends and they are not having an affair. He would go to her to Laguna and deive her and her friends and kids while my children and I took the bus and stayed home. He lent her our nebulizer even though he knows that Caitlin, our daughter has asthma. I bought a new one because Caitlin needed one. He would be angry with me and the kids for no reason but he would be sweet and loving to the girl and her kid. I felt pity for myself and my children. He would take me out, tell me what to wear, pattern my clothes to what Peachy would wear and told me to dye my hair just like Peachy’s. He would shop for me and ask me to choose clothes for Peachy. If I voiced my discomfort I would be called heartless or a bitch. My daughter saw their pictures on the phone and told him he wanted to eat at the places he took Peachy and her kid at. He would post pictures of them looking like a family on facebook. He told her that we have broken up and even set up one of the bedrooms as his room to fulfill the lie. I went with it because it is exhausting to argue with him when in the end the blame is on me. I had to think of other things like the kids, the lessonplan and bills that we have difficulty paying. The house rent was paid late because his parents didn’t contribute to the rent wven though they promised part o the newspaper earnings would be used. I wanted to help out but they said no. Stay at home and look after the kids. He would tell me that I know the truth and what he tells her or calls her is just to get her to pose for his photography thing. I was already frustrated and my feelings were invalidated. I fell deeper into depression. He would get mad if I did not give in to him when he wanted sex. Everytime I would get mad he would tell me that only I knew the truth and that whatever he was doing was the lie and that he was still going home to us as if I should be grateful that he was still coming home. I demanded to be let go. I ended the relationship and told him i want out and the kids will stay with me. He is always out anyway and we seldom see him. I am more equipped to handle and raise the kids. He begged me not to go and leave him. For the sake of the kids because my youngest was just 7, i gave him another chance. I cut off my friends that would call me out. They knew my decision was the wrong one. I gave it a chance and as a sign of faith that I will try to move on the past hurt, When I sold a property, I made a joint account in his name. I told him that because he does not see what his words and actions did to me, i would attempt to do the same to him. Whenever he called me a name, i would call him out. If he punched my arm, i would punch him back. My arm was bruised and his father saw but did not say anything. This was how he “played” and teased. He would “playfully” hit my arm until I cried and laugh and say he won. He did the same to kids. This became an issue when Ean, accused of bullying told him that he did the same. This was said in front of the school principal.

Anyway, we had money. He earned atleast 100k a month. We started new. He promised not to talk to peachy. I paid for his debts to my friend (30k) and for the furniture (40k). I bought him a new celphone (50k atleast) with the promise that he would pay half of the price back. I provided the money he gave away at the Viva christmas party and he passed it off as his own to build his reputation. He gave me a job so we would be together when he had work. For a while, we were doing good but no savings. He earned his money and I had no access to it. The joint account is almost depleted. He started looking at other girls again. He would sketch and post pictures of other girls on facebook which caused me to unfriend him because it stressed me out. He got mad and he did it more and more. He brought pizza to another girl in Laguna that is a “friend” of peachy’s. He would hide texts again. He would rather text than engage in family conversations with his kids. He would leave the table first. He would became easily angry with the children again when they knock at his office door. After a little over a year, my money ran out causing the joint account to close. Good thing I had a few spanish classes in UP in hopes that I could gain a better job from it before the money ran out. He promised to pay it back in monthly installments but did not. I tried to understand it was because he lost a few projects and money was again an issue. He had ojt’s and maintained an okay public image but he is inconsiderate when at home. He has not attended some of the kids’ birthdays because he needed to be at work. I understood we needed money. I would help explain it to the kids. I would tell them that we will celebrate a little late either because we didn’t have money or carlo will not be there. At december of last year, most of his shows are gone and we had to rely on one show for income. I told him I could help by looking for a job at a bpo. He said no. He said we should make a movie instead. I co wrote the movie tres, helped him refine the story, found him locations, planned it with him. We were having problems at home. He is irritable when refused sex. I fell deeper into depression. he became angrier