Codependency

I am codependent. I hate it. I hate that I am weak. I am trying though. I need this. I am trying to establish boundaries. This is so much harder when I have to consider the kids. It’s so hard being around their dad. The old patterns are just so easy to fall back to.

On a brighter note, i feel so happy that my kids are proud of me. I felt it with how they spoke of me and my phenomenal cooking to their friends. I love that they have so much confidence in me when I have none. I love that they trust me enough to get them through everything. It’s time that I look at myself the way they see me and not as their dad and his parents see me. In their eyes, i am the best. I can do anything. I am never the second option. 

I have 3

I may have lost one but I gained three. 

Three.

Whenever you feel down, remember that. That three is your stable. They are your foundation. You don’t need anyone else. Focus on you and that foundation. Build your dreams around them. Noone else matters. 

You may be lonely but this id more important. 

In the darkness

I hate the nights. 

My thoughts haunt me best in the darkness. My heart easier to find under the blanket of stars that twinkle and pulsate with the pain i feel. I feel the numbness behind my eyes. The burst of pain in my chest growing and growing licking up the walls of my heart. My tongue swells as I choke on the unspoken words. feelings that are spoken silently burst forth in the space of a breath. My eyes strain in the darkness, struggling to see past the blinding dots that appear beneath my closed lids.  I try to catch my breath but the darkness is choking me.

 Slowly and silently and only at night.

The other side

Turn your cheek away and don’t care. 

It’s none of your business anymore and it doesn’t matter.

Focus. Focus on yourself and the dream you are building for yourself. Things will fall into place but focus on yourself first. Do not care. Build that wall around your heart. Teach yourself not to feel. It’s no longer important. Whatever you feel, it doesn’t serve you or your future or your happiness anymore. Dwelling will only drag you down. It will get better. It will fade away. You will rise up someday. What happens does not matter. You may have lost a part of you right now but it will be found again. Someday. Not today. Not this year. Focus on your goals first. Focus on the children. Focus on yourself. 

Fix yourself first. Do not listen to others. Stop procrastinating. Motivate yourself and move move move. Stop feeling. Start doing. Turn the other cheek. Don’t pay attention to them. It does not matter and it does not serve you or your sanity. Do not care. Stop feeling. Focus on yourself. Crying won’t get you your dreams. Fix that wall. Hide your heart. You still have it in you to smile. Smile! Hide behind it. The pain will go away. It doesn’t matter. It is no longer a part of your future. This will only drag you down. 

Stop feeling.

Stop thinking.

Just move.