The past and depression

Woke up in the middle of the night with that faniliar ache in my chest. Anger, hurt and anxiety. Reread our past conversation, trying to make sense and reading between the lines. You were so condescending on your last message. You made it look like it was my fault. Like I’m the one who was not trying. Like I pushed you away. 

  1. I should have told you that I was sooooo hurt from what you did so even though I forgave you, i couldn’t give you the normalcy you craved. I cannot bounce back like that. I couldnt trust you like that. I second guessed everything you did. I let it slide because I couldn’t deal with all the conflicting feelings. But I made an effort. I was there for you and supported you still. For a while, i said hey maybe it will be better. You said you would do anything and that you would be better. I told you this was the last time. A few months in, i saw you were still conversing with her. You told me it’s different now. You were just friends. How you wouldn’t fall for that drama. I stopped going with you to work and within a few weeks you were plastered to your cel again. You were busy. Our plans can wait. I knew something was going on. I also withdrew from you. I was starting to hurt again but i didn’t say anything. Then you came home with kiss marks. It was then that i felt angry. It was then that I started to change again towards you. I was rude because I also wanted to hurt you. Caouldn’t you see what you were doing? I told you we could stay as friends. I was hoping that you would change. That you would remember your promise. But you didn’t. You broke me before but now I am completely shattered. You should’ve let me go the first time. I was ready then. I am blindsided now. I wanted you to change for the better. For me. For us. For our children. For our plans. Our supposed future. O wanted to believe that you would realize it. You’re always falling in love with someone else. What was wrong with us? With me? And i hate that I second guess myself because i Know I gave it all. I may be a bitch but I never made promises that I didn’t keep. I may call you anshithead bit my actions told you that i loved you. Hey shithead, I made you your favorite herbed chicken with chimichurri sauce. Do you need anything else? While you tell me that you love me and then continue that affair on your phone. You told your children you do what you do for them, while they wait at home and you date and fuck someone else. I know this is abuse. I know.

It’s just so hard to move on when I am so angry at myself for wanting you to beg and promise to be better for us even when I know you won’t. I am angry that I don’t want you to give up on us while I am cutting the strings. I still want to see you fight for me. For us. For everything.
But I know you won’t. And I know I should stop. 

I feel like I’m going crazy. 

Advertisements

One thought on “The past and depression

  1. Yeah the best feeling is putting ourselves first after such a draining situation such as this. Be a little selfish and put yourself as priority, because if we don’t no one else will. Do what it takes to remove the negativity, and do you. Because when we are complete ourselves, we are truly satisfied.
    Best wishes,
    -Carla

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s