The fog lifts

There is that difference again between you and me. This is starting to sound repetitive, I know. I just need to exhaust this idea for me to be able to function a bit more sane. Perhaps i am hoping that repetition would dull the ahard edges and then it would finally sink in.

The difference between you and me is when I went into this relationship, i told myself that there would be noone else. I bore you children with whom I love more than anything in the world and I built a dream around the idea of a solid family. One that I never had while growing up. I was loyal. I was ready to give up things, sacrifice pieces of me to keep at it. To work on it. Even at the brink of giving up completely and when I was looking for ways to leave, That tiny flame of hope was still there. I wanted my family to be complete and in every situation, i would choose this, dysfunctional as it is but nevertheless complete. Such is my dedication and my desire to have this dream fulfilled. I am not keeping a tally of who hurt who more. You said you felt like shit for a year. I felt like shit for even longer. I disgusted myself too you know. I cried every day, locking myself in the room, wallowed in self pity and worthlessness and grew my anger and resentment towards you because you never considered me a part of your life. It felt that way even if you say again and again that it wasn’t like that. These are my feelings. The constant “why am I not good enough?” and I truly truly could not understand. Isntead of reassurance, i see you happier with the company of others. I loathed myself more, i pulled my hair and believed that hey they may be better so I am punishing myself. For what? I have no idea but the small rush I feel after every pull, that little prick of pain on my scalp feels like I am deserving of that pain. The shame afterwards though is crippling. It was a sort of cry for help, i guess. I wanted you to stop me. I wanted you to reassure me and you still find comfort in other’s company. My descent to madness had always had signs. I just didn’t know how to help me. And you didn’t either. And the mind games you played. It exhausted my already tired sanity. Is there or isn’t there another one? Who is he with? I thought they were only friends?. You have no idea how long i’ve felt like I was going crazy.  The constant insecurity. The constant doubt. The nagging voice at the back of my head that tells me, i am not enough and I will never be enough and that this is not what I wanted. The thought that this wasn’t worth it kills more than you will ever know. I still can’t accept it.

It’s better this way, i know. But it’s not that easy to accept. I need to wrap my head around it. I hurt all the time. Why is it so easy for you? Perhaps we loved esch other in differently. I expected you to live me like I loved you and that is my mistake. So many unspoken thing and the way we both deliberately hurt each other makes me think that this will never ever work. We are so different. We will never find a way to conpromise and to make it work. 

So why am I still hoping? 

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