Taking that leap

Here I am. New house rent paid for. Terrified and sad but relieved.

Terrified because i am leaping towards change. I have been so used to this life for 11 years. I’m back at square one with nothing. It terrifies me because i have more responsibilities now. My children is everything to me.

Sad because I dreamed something different. I thought i would have my own place and my family would still be intact. I wanted a family. I just wanted a stable and loving family.

Relieved because finally, i might find the peace of mind i have been looking for. More room for improvement and to plan a more stable step to the future. No more empty promises and manipulation. I am the one in charge now. It scares me and at the same time excites me.

For now, i’ll shed these tears and mourn my past dreams for the last time.

Look forward forward forward.

Start believing that I can because I do know that I can. I have to get her back. That confident me all those years ago. I know she’s still in me. I know.

I know…



He started to pick fights with the neighbors. He shouted at the owner of the house when she gave the go signal to the meralco personnel to cut off out electricity. Water was cut off due to our inability to pay. I asked again to work but since the kids has started school (owned by my uncle) and we had difficulty paying for the tuition. He said the kids needed me more so I stayed at home. We planned for the movie and then I got fired from the show at ViVa. He now worked alone and left for long periods of time. One day around march, he came home with a kiss mark on his chest which I noticed while he dined barechested with us and the kids. When asked he said the cat did it. I knew he was cheating again so our arguments became more frequent. My daughter saw a girl’s photo on his phone which turned out to be one of his ojt’s (Sarah Lageler). My daughter told me and of course I got mad and refused to go out with Carlo. Carlo got mad and shouted at my daughter, scolding her about privacy and stuff she should not touch because it will lead to me getting mad at him. He screamed at my daughter until she cried. Our help already noticed them. While at the house where I welcomed the staff for the movie, he would spend more time with the girl than others. They were very close even though I was supposed to be the assistant director. I woke up early to cook for everyone because we had no food budget and he would prioritize the girl over everyone. He offered our room to the girl while I was inside resting so that she could rest too. So, feeling very disrespected and unappreciated, i told him i didn’t want to go to the rest of the shoot. But he got mad and insisted. While at the shoot, i had everything in order even Carlo’s special diet. He ate with girl and his cousin while I was left alone with other actors. Then Carlo and girl went inside a room and slept there while I was outside. Carlo’s cousin spoke and said “buti pa sila nakatulog na”. The disrespect and pity i felt that day traumatized me. His father was there and did nothing. I was tired and near tears. I told him I wouldn’t help anymore. He got mad and posted things online like it has been over between us for a long time. He made it look like I was sabotaging everything when I helped so much. He made me look like the bad guy when I was the one mistreated. After that, he still went on shooting the film without me. I siad i did not want to hear updates because my anger and hurt caused me severe panic attacks. My eldest son, right before the shoot, told me he saw a txt from someone named “baby ko” and that txt message said “love you po”.

I broke down and had a meltdown. Since he wanted out and pretty much announced it to everyone, i threw him out of the house. I had a nervous breakdown. I could not sleep because of anger and continuous mood fluctuations from manic to depressed. I had heart palpitations and I had little or no sleep. I asked my dad for help and his parents to intervene. I told them about financial problems and about the cheating and how hurtful he has become. His parents assured me they would talk and that they would pay for the house rent nd tuition to help. They said he was only confused and that I should stick with him for the kids sake. I told them the kids are already affected. They are already neglected and unprioritized even if Carlo tells everyone that we are his priority. Carlo and I talked and I asked him to move out. He said he had no money for a place and that if i help him get a new car, he would move out. His parents bought him the car and did not pay rent or tuition but he did not move out. He would come home in the middle of the night even though he knew it was a weekday and that we would be up early to help get the kids ready for school. The other car broke down and the kids and I had to commute from school while Carlo uses the new car to and fro the girl’s place. Our house rent is unpaid for 3-4 months and we are not thrown out because I know the owner. We would still frequently fight over txt. He called me stupid and blamed me for not amounting to anything. He said it was not his fault that the moneyin the joint account is gone. He blamed me for not giving him a chance or trusting him again. He said he gave up because he did not see the “old me”. We have not been a couple since- whenever the date is that he claimed we were no longer together to suit his agenda but he still comes home and expects us to cook, do his laundry and he still wants me to have sex with him. One time last week, he attempted to rape me because he is frustrated I keep saying no. He choked me and held m down and told me if I wanted to know how much he loved me he would have to kill me. He said he loved his gf but also loved me and that he won’t ever let me go. If it didn’t work out with his gf then he would still come back to me. He tried to shove his hand down my pants and i screamed. My son Liam who was sick at that time was sleeping next to the bed where he assaulted me. Liam woke up. Carlo stormed out. When I asked Liam he said he could hear me trying to stop Carlo and when he opened his eyes Carlo was gone but I was in tears. He would torment me and not keep his distance when around. I would ask for him to move away from me but he would order me not to say no. He also got mad at me when i tried to get help and has in the past prevented me from getting legal help. He plays the victim card so well and has projected his problems on me repeatedly and made me look like i am to blamed for not supporting him that I get fearful of speaking up whenever he would argue with me.

He has been telling everyone he comes into contact with and the new supply that it has been over between us for years. Which is a surprise for me. Why did I let this go on for so long? If it was, i would have moved out as soon as possible when i had the money to do so. noone in their right mind would stay in this kind of situation especially with kids. i held on for so long because I thought I was doing it for the kids but NO, they are traumatized. I wanted a family and he wanted some sick game. I told him no more last week or APRIL or MAY of 2017. I officially announced it on JUNE. gave him a small chance to ATLEAST be a good father on JUNE and welcomed him back in the house to the shock of my dad and friends. I asked what he wanted and he said he didn’t know. THAT WAS WHAT PUSHED ME. In the depths of deep desperation to feel other than going crazy, sever depression, suicidal thoughts and overall numbness and feeling so much at the same time, I looked for something or anything – I wanted to feel something different. I met someone during that time (Carlo also instigated this btw) and that is the ONLY time I got into a relationship with another man. The other times he CLAIMED I HAD SOMEONE ELSE, that was his own fantasies with me and other men. He would send other messages to other men pretending to be me on my old account. He would take pictures of me and then send it to them. he would flirt and when they called, he would ask me to have phone sex with them while he jacked off in front of me and then proceed to have sex with me after the call all the while murmuring fake professions of how he loves me. Why I agreed? I don’t have a clue. I wanted to be better than the girls he cheats on me with. I wanted his attention. I craved to be picked. I wanted to be the only one he wanted and loved and it’s a fucking desperate attempt at telling him to choose me because noone else will do this for you without outright saying it. who wants to be that pathetic? I wanted the relationship to work because I wanted a complete family and hey sacrifices for the sake of family, right? Look, this is how much I love you and want you in OUR lives, I am giving you my self respect, self esteem and whatever you can get just choose me and love me back. Ugh. This is the root of my shame.

Now, inspite of that, I gave CArlo a few more months to atleast be a good father. those months, we were evicted, our electricity has been cut off, we were extremely financially dependent I was almost raped in front of my son.. The kids were neglected, was physically abused. I was threatened. I have been slandered so many times. I feel so small and so weak and so worthless.

But I am still here. and I matter. and I write. and I will fight.



At this time, since i was so stressed at the whole situation, couped up inside and feeling stuck and helpless and totally dependent, i developed anxiety. I started to pull my hair out and suffered from trichotillomania until now. We could pay the rent on time because the rent was taken out of Carlo’s share of the newspaper and the owner of the house worked at the bank where their account is. When we had an opportunity to move out, because the kids were getting sick in the house, i asked to move back to Cavite where my parents are residing. My dad found us a nice house in a good neighborhood. The rent was a little high than what we were aiming for but carlo and his mom said it would be no problem. I could finally breathe, i told myself because Carlo was doing great at his work and the rent was shouldered by the newspaper. The kids were still being home schooled. Carlo swapped his old car for a new one. We had to buy new furniture and since I knew someone in the furniture business, we got a loan. Carlo promised to pay 5k per month to pay atleast 70k worth of furniture. Things were looking up. Then he got into photography. He took pictures of me as practice. They were a bit sexy for my taste but I did it because it would help his career. He started getting into implied nude and nude photography. He created a profile for my “model” work and he started speaking to people posing as me. Publishing sexy pictures has always bothered me but whenever I raised the issue, he would shit it down andreasoned that it was “art”. It could also help my career as a make up artist so I let it happen for a few months. This time, he targeted other female “nude” models and used my pictures so he could take pictures of them. He invited them over at the house and I would fix thwir makeup and hair. But I felt so disrespected so I asked my friends to report the “model” page. This angered him and he set up another one even without my consent. He followed this model, Peachy Estoque and made up stories so he could get her to pose. He would take her out and her child to nice places. He would invite the girl over and demand that I be nice to her and to stop being such a “bitch” because she had a lot of problems. He would send her money. He called her “love” and insist that they are just friends and they are not having an affair. He would go to her to Laguna and deive her and her friends and kids while my children and I took the bus and stayed home. He lent her our nebulizer even though he knows that Caitlin, our daughter has asthma. I bought a new one because Caitlin needed one. He would be angry with me and the kids for no reason but he would be sweet and loving to the girl and her kid. I felt pity for myself and my children. He would take me out, tell me what to wear, pattern my clothes to what Peachy would wear and told me to dye my hair just like Peachy’s. He would shop for me and ask me to choose clothes for Peachy. If I voiced my discomfort I would be called heartless or a bitch. My daughter saw their pictures on the phone and told him he wanted to eat at the places he took Peachy and her kid at. He would post pictures of them looking like a family on facebook. He told her that we have broken up and even set up one of the bedrooms as his room to fulfill the lie. I went with it because it is exhausting to argue with him when in the end the blame is on me. I had to think of other things like the kids, the lessonplan and bills that we have difficulty paying. The house rent was paid late because his parents didn’t contribute to the rent wven though they promised part o the newspaper earnings would be used. I wanted to help out but they said no. Stay at home and look after the kids. He would tell me that I know the truth and what he tells her or calls her is just to get her to pose for his photography thing. I was already frustrated and my feelings were invalidated. I fell deeper into depression. He would get mad if I did not give in to him when he wanted sex. I said yes to his deprived fantasies. I want to see you with other men/women. I wasn’t sold on the idea. He said start online. He would watch me and tell me what to say to flirt with other men. he would film me talking to someone else. I was so starved of being wanted and adored that I wanted to please him to get whatever type of affection. “Kya kita mahal eh” or “kaya di kita maiwan” or “ganyan ang gusto ko yung malanding malandi”. I was dependent on him. He knew one of my greatest fears was of having abroken family. He used it against me. Everytime I would get mad he would tell me that only I knew the truth and that whatever he was doing was the lie and that he was still going home to us as if I should be grateful that he was still coming home. I demanded to be let go. I ended the relationship and told him i want out and the kids will stay with me. He is always out anyway and we seldom see him. I am more equipped to handle and raise the kids. He begged me not to go and leave him. For the sake of the kids because my youngest was just 7, i gave him another chance. I cut off my friends that would call me out. They knew my decision was the wrong one. I gave it a chance and as a sign of faith that I will try to move on the past hurt, When I sold a property, I made a joint account in his name. I told him that because he does not see what his words and actions did to me, i would attempt to do the same to him. Whenever he called me a name, i would call him out. If he punched my arm, i would punch him back. My arm was bruised and his father saw but did not say anything. This was how he “played” and teased. He would “playfully” hit my arm until I cried and laugh and say he won. He did the same to kids. This became an issue when Ean, accused of bullying told him that he did the same. This was said in front of the school principal.

Anyway, we had money. He earned atleast 100k a month. We started new. He promised not to talk to peachy. I paid for his debts to my friend (30k) and for the furniture (40k). I bought him a new celphone (50k atleast) with the promise that he would pay half of the price back. I provided the money he gave away at the Viva christmas party and he passed it off as his own to build his reputation. He gave me a job so we would be together when he had work. For a while, we were doing good but no savings. He earned his money and I had no access to it. The joint account is almost depleted. He started looking at other girls again. He would sketch and post pictures of other girls on facebook which caused me to unfriend him because it stressed me out. He got mad and he did it more and more. He brought pizza to another girl in Laguna that is a “friend” of peachy’s. He would hide texts again. He would rather text than engage in family conversations with his kids. He would leave the table first. He would became easily angry with the children again when they knock at his office door. After a little over a year, my money ran out causing the joint account to close. Good thing I had a few spanish classes in UP in hopes that I could gain a better job from it before the money ran out. He promised to pay it back in monthly installments but did not. I tried to understand it was because he lost a few projects and money was again an issue. He had ojt’s and maintained an okay public image but he is inconsiderate when at home. He has not attended some of the kids’ birthdays because he needed to be at work. I understood we needed money. I would help explain it to the kids. I would tell them that we will celebrate a little late either because we didn’t have money or carlo will not be there. At december of last year, most of his shows are gone and we had to rely on one show for income. I told him I could help by looking for a job at a bpo. He said no. He said we should make a movie instead. I co wrote the movie tres, helped him refine the story, found him locations, planned it with him. We were having problems at home. He is irritable when refused sex. I fell deeper into depression. he became angrier

It started 11 years ago.

I met Carlo Alocilja Alvarez II online early 2006. With the promise to take care of me and my son ethan who was 2 at that time, we eloped. I took with me $2700 dollars, a part of my inheritance and a jewelry box. He said he had a stable job at his family business. His parents and him are publishers. He said he was not rich but since I am confident I could get a job, it was okay with me. He said his mother already paid the down payment for a townhouse and that it would be ours. At first, it was okay. He earned a little from the newspaper that was managed by his mother. He asked I use some of the dollars I had with me to renovate the front of the house. I thought of it as an investment at that time. Then i got pregnant with my 2nd child, Liam. It became more difficult because his income was not very stable. But I stayed hopeful and supportive. He wanted to become a film director. I supported his dream to become one as he worked on editing short movies to enter contests so that he would be recognized within the industry. Soon the dollars ran out and Liam was born. I was worried about the finances because the hospital bills (i was caesarian) baby milk formula, diaper and more were not cheap. There were times when we had no electricity and our food was gruel/arrozcaldo just so we could make ends meet. We were thrown out of the townhouse because they couldn’t pay the monthly fee and moved to marikina. Ethan, the eldest, is now in school. So on top of the rent and new baby, we had tuition to pay. I found a job in Manila. I travelled from marikina to Manila everyday while Carlo worked on the newspaper with his friend. After a few months of working, i found out I was pregnant with my third child, Caitlin. We were still not making enough so we moved to Cubao because we couldn’t pay the rent in marikina anymore. Ethan was diagnosed with late development and went into therapy for a brief time. Whenever we had trouble with money, i would pawn my jewelry. Carlo and his parents promised to get it back but they didn’t. We had to pawn jewelry that were part of my inheritance to be ablento afford food, house and basic needs at the house. Carlo wasn’t making enough. My ob fees were covered throughout because i worked at a cosmetic surgery clinic and the ob referred to me wirked there. I got them for free and sometimes, the vitamins too. I recommended carlo to the clinic and he worked as a freelance designer/ editor at the clinic so we had extra money. He made more than me but we still had no savings. It was fine. We could afford food and stuff we didn’t anymore. While I was pregnant, i encouraged him to sign up at a seminar in mowelfund for directing. So that he could expand his contacts. He graduated from that shortly after I gave birth to our youngest daughter. He landed a job in a big movie after that. It was to be shot for 3 months in Bohol. My daughter was just 3 months old at that time and I had 2 small children to look after too. We had to hire someone to help me since I could not lift heavy objects since my last pregnancy was also a caesarian section. In Bohol, he met a model/actress with whom he had an affair with(pics provided). He told me he fell in love and contemplated if he still wanted to be part of our family. He kept it from me for a year before he told me the truth. Unbeknownst to me, he would still meet with her a few times when she visited Manila. I gave him another chance. I still worked at the clinic but i worked online as a social media manager so that I could look after the kids. Carlo kept on trying to make it in the film industry but could not catch a break. I would help him form stories, edit his works. We even made a soft porn film because we needed the money which I also co-wrote. (Lamog the movie with Maui Taylor). I went back to work at the office since I was offered a managerial job at their new branch in libis but I quit a few months before they opened because of issues with my boss. Before I quit, i landed carlo another job that led him to meet a local up and coming celebrity. After a few months of no jobs, I was offered a parttime job as a marketing consultant at another clinic which I readily accepted. We were living at another house again. I did not get along with his parents because they keep promising things like money or jobs but it never pans out and this always leaves us hungry and penniless. We also had different notions of how to properly rear a child. I was blamed or accused of not feeding the children when i don’t give them a bottle of milk because I want them to eat rice and meat and veggies. As a result and because i left my middle child with them for the time that i was working, liam only got nutrition from bottled milk and did not eat rice until he was 4. They made ethan who was then 7 yo wear a diaper so that he would not pee the bed. Liam and Casey had no or incomplete vaccinations because they( carlo and parents) did not get them to the center for free vaccinations because either they had no time or there were too many people. I did not have money, i did not know where to go and that is why i could not do it on my own. I would get worried when they got sick but i told myself we had to wait until we had enough money to be able to afford health care for the children. Anyway, carlo kept making music videos for the artist and that is when he got noticed by Viva records. Before he signed the contract, i quit my job because of issues at work and ethan had to stop school because we can’t afford the tuition ( we still have an outstanding balance of atleast 300k at the old school) I decided to homeschool. At 7/8 ethan still cannot read at this point. I taught ethan and liam how to read and write while Casey watches. We had to leave and rent at another house again. This time, at a small house in san mateo. The house was small, dirty, and hot. Carlo barely came home. His father would sometimes come and help but ultimately, we were left there hidden and helpless at times. I had to leave rthan and liam alone in the house because we had no food. I had to rush. The house would get flooded whenever it rains and the garbage would accumulate because the collector does not go inside the street. For me to take out the trash, i would have to haul it out into the main road which was quite far. I asked for help but sometimes noone would come. I would boil tap water because i cannot go out and get water or else i would have to leave all three children under the age of ten at home without a guardian. I once caught ethan playing with matches while i went out to get groceries. I endured it all because i had to understand that Carlo is “working”. I am not allowed to txt or call him while he is working.at this time, I did not know that he was playing house with a singer. He would sleep there and he would have food while I worried and waited if he would come home. I did not receive any txts informing me when he will be home. He also had a fling with a known celebrity at this time. Basically, he is living a single fun life while his kids and i had to live with whatever money he could leave with us. He would buy the kids expensive ipads and shoes and clothes but they are still not in school. He uses these expensive things and shows them off on social media to give him a sort of “good and responsible father” image to his co workers and friends. Everytime i would see him with another girl on fb, he would scoff and invalidate my concerns by telling me they’renjust friends. Inspite of that though, Ethan learned to read and write. So did Liam and Casey. Carlo would get mad at me everytime i refuse his affections because I was tired. I was depressed and I had three kids to take care of and i don’t usually get a good night sleep because i keep waiting for him to come home.


I need to get out of here soon

My lips and the insidenof my cheek still hurt from the way he forcefully tried to kiss me. His hand tightened on mu throat and anfinger at the side of my mouth to keep it open to his kisses. He spit inside of mu mouth and inspit it back. He kept tellibg me that he loved me so much and if I wanted him to kill me justbto show how much he loves me. He said He will never let me go. He says he loves his gf but he loves me too. Henasked me if i wanted we would get back together again and I said no. I told him i have a bf now too. He pinned me down and ordered mento shut up so i won’t wake my sleeping son.

For the briefest time, i thought that if he got his way with me, i will kill myself. For a second I thought i should stop struggling because he likes it. I fought. The metal taste of blood on my tongue is proof. The shaking of my hands is proof.

I am exhausted.

I need to get out soon.