2

At this time, since i was so stressed at the whole situation, couped up inside and feeling stuck and helpless and totally dependent, i developed anxiety. I started to pull my hair out and suffered from trichotillomania until now. We could pay the rent on time because the rent was taken out of Carlo’s share of the newspaper and the owner of the house worked at the bank where their account is. When we had an opportunity to move out, because the kids were getting sick in the house, i asked to move back to Cavite where my parents are residing. My dad found us a nice house in a good neighborhood. The rent was a little high than what we were aiming for but carlo and his mom said it would be no problem. I could finally breathe, i told myself because Carlo was doing great at his work and the rent was shouldered by the newspaper. The kids were still being home schooled. Carlo swapped his old car for a new one. We had to buy new furniture and since I knew someone in the furniture business, we got a loan. Carlo promised to pay 5k per month to pay atleast 70k worth of furniture. Things were looking up. Then he got into photography. He took pictures of me as practice. They were a bit sexy for my taste but I did it because it would help his career. He started getting into implied nude and nude photography. He created a profile for my “model” work and he started speaking to people posing as me. Publishing sexy pictures has always bothered me but whenever I raised the issue, he would shit it down andreasoned that it was “art”. It could also help my career as a make up artist so I let it happen for a few months. This time, he targeted other female “nude” models and used my pictures so he could take pictures of them. He invited them over at the house and I would fix thwir makeup and hair. But I felt so disrespected so I asked my friends to report the “model” page. This angered him and he set up another one even without my consent. He followed this model, Peachy Estoque and made up stories so he could get her to pose. He would take her out and her child to nice places. He would invite the girl over and demand that I be nice to her and to stop being such a “bitch” because she had a lot of problems. He would send her money. He called her “love” and insist that they are just friends and they are not having an affair. He would go to her to Laguna and deive her and her friends and kids while my children and I took the bus and stayed home. He lent her our nebulizer even though he knows that Caitlin, our daughter has asthma. I bought a new one because Caitlin needed one. He would be angry with me and the kids for no reason but he would be sweet and loving to the girl and her kid. I felt pity for myself and my children. He would take me out, tell me what to wear, pattern my clothes to what Peachy would wear and told me to dye my hair just like Peachy’s. He would shop for me and ask me to choose clothes for Peachy. If I voiced my discomfort I would be called heartless or a bitch. My daughter saw their pictures on the phone and told him he wanted to eat at the places he took Peachy and her kid at. He would post pictures of them looking like a family on facebook. He told her that we have broken up and even set up one of the bedrooms as his room to fulfill the lie. I went with it because it is exhausting to argue with him when in the end the blame is on me. I had to think of other things like the kids, the lessonplan and bills that we have difficulty paying. The house rent was paid late because his parents didn’t contribute to the rent wven though they promised part o the newspaper earnings would be used. I wanted to help out but they said no. Stay at home and look after the kids. He would tell me that I know the truth and what he tells her or calls her is just to get her to pose for his photography thing. I was already frustrated and my feelings were invalidated. I fell deeper into depression. He would get mad if I did not give in to him when he wanted sex. I said yes to his deprived fantasies. I want to see you with other men/women. I wasn’t sold on the idea. He said start online. He would watch me and tell me what to say to flirt with other men. he would film me talking to someone else. I was so starved of being wanted and adored that I wanted to please him to get whatever type of affection. “Kya kita mahal eh” or “kaya di kita maiwan” or “ganyan ang gusto ko yung malanding malandi”. I was dependent on him. He knew one of my greatest fears was of having abroken family. He used it against me. Everytime I would get mad he would tell me that only I knew the truth and that whatever he was doing was the lie and that he was still going home to us as if I should be grateful that he was still coming home. I demanded to be let go. I ended the relationship and told him i want out and the kids will stay with me. He is always out anyway and we seldom see him. I am more equipped to handle and raise the kids. He begged me not to go and leave him. For the sake of the kids because my youngest was just 7, i gave him another chance. I cut off my friends that would call me out. They knew my decision was the wrong one. I gave it a chance and as a sign of faith that I will try to move on the past hurt, When I sold a property, I made a joint account in his name. I told him that because he does not see what his words and actions did to me, i would attempt to do the same to him. Whenever he called me a name, i would call him out. If he punched my arm, i would punch him back. My arm was bruised and his father saw but did not say anything. This was how he “played” and teased. He would “playfully” hit my arm until I cried and laugh and say he won. He did the same to kids. This became an issue when Ean, accused of bullying told him that he did the same. This was said in front of the school principal.

Anyway, we had money. He earned atleast 100k a month. We started new. He promised not to talk to peachy. I paid for his debts to my friend (30k) and for the furniture (40k). I bought him a new celphone (50k atleast) with the promise that he would pay half of the price back. I provided the money he gave away at the Viva christmas party and he passed it off as his own to build his reputation. He gave me a job so we would be together when he had work. For a while, we were doing good but no savings. He earned his money and I had no access to it. The joint account is almost depleted. He started looking at other girls again. He would sketch and post pictures of other girls on facebook which caused me to unfriend him because it stressed me out. He got mad and he did it more and more. He brought pizza to another girl in Laguna that is a “friend” of peachy’s. He would hide texts again. He would rather text than engage in family conversations with his kids. He would leave the table first. He would became easily angry with the children again when they knock at his office door. After a little over a year, my money ran out causing the joint account to close. Good thing I had a few spanish classes in UP in hopes that I could gain a better job from it before the money ran out. He promised to pay it back in monthly installments but did not. I tried to understand it was because he lost a few projects and money was again an issue. He had ojt’s and maintained an okay public image but he is inconsiderate when at home. He has not attended some of the kids’ birthdays because he needed to be at work. I understood we needed money. I would help explain it to the kids. I would tell them that we will celebrate a little late either because we didn’t have money or carlo will not be there. At december of last year, most of his shows are gone and we had to rely on one show for income. I told him I could help by looking for a job at a bpo. He said no. He said we should make a movie instead. I co wrote the movie tres, helped him refine the story, found him locations, planned it with him. We were having problems at home. He is irritable when refused sex. I fell deeper into depression. he became angrier

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