He started to pick fights with the neighbors. He shouted at the owner of the house when she gave the go signal to the meralco personnel to cut off out electricity. Water was cut off due to our inability to pay. I asked again to work but since the kids has started school (owned by my uncle) and we had difficulty paying for the tuition. He said the kids needed me more so I stayed at home. We planned for the movie and then I got fired from the show at ViVa. He now worked alone and left for long periods of time. One day around march, he came home with a kiss mark on his chest which I noticed while he dined barechested with us and the kids. When asked he said the cat did it. I knew he was cheating again so our arguments became more frequent. My daughter saw a girl’s photo on his phone which turned out to be one of his ojt’s (Sarah Lageler). My daughter told me and of course I got mad and refused to go out with Carlo. Carlo got mad and shouted at my daughter, scolding her about privacy and stuff she should not touch because it will lead to me getting mad at him. He screamed at my daughter until she cried. Our help already noticed them. While at the house where I welcomed the staff for the movie, he would spend more time with the girl than others. They were very close even though I was supposed to be the assistant director. I woke up early to cook for everyone because we had no food budget and he would prioritize the girl over everyone. He offered our room to the girl while I was inside resting so that she could rest too. So, feeling very disrespected and unappreciated, i told him i didn’t want to go to the rest of the shoot. But he got mad and insisted. While at the shoot, i had everything in order even Carlo’s special diet. He ate with girl and his cousin while I was left alone with other actors. Then Carlo and girl went inside a room and slept there while I was outside. Carlo’s cousin spoke and said “buti pa sila nakatulog na”. The disrespect and pity i felt that day traumatized me. His father was there and did nothing. I was tired and near tears. I told him I wouldn’t help anymore. He got mad and posted things online like it has been over between us for a long time. He made it look like I was sabotaging everything when I helped so much. He made me look like the bad guy when I was the one mistreated. After that, he still went on shooting the film without me. I siad i did not want to hear updates because my anger and hurt caused me severe panic attacks. My eldest son, right before the shoot, told me he saw a txt from someone named “baby ko” and that txt message said “love you po”.

I broke down and had a meltdown. Since he wanted out and pretty much announced it to everyone, i threw him out of the house. I had a nervous breakdown. I could not sleep because of anger and continuous mood fluctuations from manic to depressed. I had heart palpitations and I had little or no sleep. I asked my dad for help and his parents to intervene. I told them about financial problems and about the cheating and how hurtful he has become. His parents assured me they would talk and that they would pay for the house rent nd tuition to help. They said he was only confused and that I should stick with him for the kids sake. I told them the kids are already affected. They are already neglected and unprioritized even if Carlo tells everyone that we are his priority. Carlo and I talked and I asked him to move out. He said he had no money for a place and that if i help him get a new car, he would move out. His parents bought him the car and did not pay rent or tuition but he did not move out. He would come home in the middle of the night even though he knew it was a weekday and that we would be up early to help get the kids ready for school. The other car broke down and the kids and I had to commute from school while Carlo uses the new car to and fro the girl’s place. Our house rent is unpaid for 3-4 months and we are not thrown out because I know the owner. We would still frequently fight over txt. He called me stupid and blamed me for not amounting to anything. He said it was not his fault that the moneyin the joint account is gone. He blamed me for not giving him a chance or trusting him again. He said he gave up because he did not see the “old me”. We have not been a couple since- whenever the date is that he claimed we were no longer together to suit his agenda but he still comes home and expects us to cook, do his laundry and he still wants me to have sex with him. One time last week, he attempted to rape me because he is frustrated I keep saying no. He choked me and held m down and told me if I wanted to know how much he loved me he would have to kill me. He said he loved his gf but also loved me and that he won’t ever let me go. If it didn’t work out with his gf then he would still come back to me. He tried to shove his hand down my pants and i screamed. My son Liam who was sick at that time was sleeping next to the bed where he assaulted me. Liam woke up. Carlo stormed out. When I asked Liam he said he could hear me trying to stop Carlo and when he opened his eyes Carlo was gone but I was in tears. He would torment me and not keep his distance when around. I would ask for him to move away from me but he would order me not to say no. He also got mad at me when i tried to get help and has in the past prevented me from getting legal help. He plays the victim card so well and has projected his problems on me repeatedly and made me look like i am to blamed for not supporting him that I get fearful of speaking up whenever he would argue with me.

He has been telling everyone he comes into contact with and the new supply that it has been over between us for years. Which is a surprise for me. Why did I let this go on for so long? If it was, i would have moved out as soon as possible when i had the money to do so. noone in their right mind would stay in this kind of situation especially with kids. i held on for so long because I thought I was doing it for the kids but NO, they are traumatized. I wanted a family and he wanted some sick game. I told him no more last week or APRIL or MAY of 2017. I officially announced it on JUNE. gave him a small chance to ATLEAST be a good father on JUNE and welcomed him back in the house to the shock of my dad and friends. I asked what he wanted and he said he didn’t know. THAT WAS WHAT PUSHED ME. In the depths of deep desperation to feel other than going crazy, sever depression, suicidal thoughts and overall numbness and feeling so much at the same time, I looked for something or anything – I wanted to feel something different. I met someone during that time (Carlo also instigated this btw) and that is the ONLY time I got into a relationship with another man. The other times he CLAIMED I HAD SOMEONE ELSE, that was his own fantasies with me and other men. He would send other messages to other men pretending to be me on my old account. He would take pictures of me and then send it to them. he would flirt and when they called, he would ask me to have phone sex with them while he jacked off in front of me and then proceed to have sex with me after the call all the while murmuring fake professions of how he loves me. Why I agreed? I don’t have a clue. I wanted to be better than the girls he cheats on me with. I wanted his attention. I craved to be picked. I wanted to be the only one he wanted and loved and it’s a fucking desperate attempt at telling him to choose me because noone else will do this for you without outright saying it. who wants to be that pathetic? I wanted the relationship to work because I wanted a complete family and hey sacrifices for the sake of family, right? Look, this is how much I love you and want you in OUR lives, I am giving you my self respect, self esteem and whatever you can get just choose me and love me back. Ugh. This is the root of my shame.

Now, inspite of that, I gave CArlo a few more months to atleast be a good father. those months, we were evicted, our electricity has been cut off, we were extremely financially dependent I was almost raped in front of my son.. The kids were neglected, was physically abused. I was threatened. I have been slandered so many times. I feel so small and so weak and so worthless.

But I am still here. and I matter. and I write. and I will fight.



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