No happy entries?

there is a few. significant enough that makes my mind unsettled enough to make me write.

I usually write about the nasty ones. the ones that does not make me sleep. They haunt me and run through my mind until it begs to be written and let out in some way.

The happy ones, I have lots…but I keep them to me where I revel in them in my mind and I wear it on my skin like a suit (happy glow). i don’t have to write them down because those feelings are meant to be felt. Significant ones are here but only for remembrance sake.

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Might help?

Get that list done.

It might provide clarity.

because you are confused and overwhelmed as fuck.

Turn off that celphone. Complete that list and get to work.

Don’t give that prick the power. This is what he wants. Stop giving in.

Shut up brain

I received a txt from x a few hours ago.

Yep. abusive prick knows I overthink shit. He knows I won’t be able to sleep hence the txt at the late hour. I can’t work. My other relationship is being affected because I have to remember that T is not my diary. he does not have to hear every little thought I have. just because it’s bothering me it doesn’t mean I have to make him suffer too. So here. I am pouring my thoughts out here.

Why does it feel like it is my fault? I am so fucking tired of being strong. T told me he felt like he had no friends back at his place. I know how that feels. I have friends but not as close. I feel. everything and nothing at the same time.

Posting personal thoughts on FB doesn’t make a difference T said. I know that. but when you have this thing that is constantly eating your mind, don’t you just wish someone would hear it? I understand those personal thoughts on FB why people feel the need to air it out. why do you think I deleted the thing in the firstplace? I just wanted to let it out because it is bothering me and I can’t say it out loud.

ugh.

I should start working.

I really should.

I’ll delete the stupid post. or make it private because Candy, who wants to hear all this shit about you?

An open letter to the new supply

Dear Sah, SA/SL/former OJT at / former pseudo-friend,

I saw you on the bus the other day.

I was in the midst of a panic attack from seeing you the enabler and my former abuser/tormented that all I could manage to say was a high-pitched hi, thank you and goodbye. I wanted to say so much more. Both good and bad but that was all that escaped from my clenched teeth and dry mouth. Panic attacks would do that to you if you didn’t know. I wrote this letter because I want you to know why I was grateful.

I said thank you for many many reasons. One- is that if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have had the strength to leave that incredibly toxic relationship with your bf/my ex. Two, thank you for the pseudo-friendship, I guess. I considered you as a friend/acquaintance at one point, I even gave you advice with your ex and where you can take German classes for less without sacrificing the quality of the lessons. I let you in my house. I cooked and fed you. I introduced you to my dad and his bodyguard when you needed help with your “trouble”. I trusted you enough to be around my kids. Even though I knew about your affair, I did not cuss you out. I asked you nicely if you were having an affair with my ex.

Marami nga syang kinuwento abt sa inyo paki tanong nlng po s knya kung ano mga naging reaksyon ko, hndi alo pne sided. npagdaan ko din yan kaya alam ko na sya ang may pagkukulang, kinakausap ko sya bilang kaibigan dhil alam ko maaayos nyo pa yan..

No, hndi po kami..

No relationship yet but fubus I guessed which was why you said no. Third, thank you for saying all the “nice” things you said about me behind my back. You shouldn’t be too quick to judge someone just because of hearsay. Were you there at the house with us in order to make a sound judgment? Does what you said make you feel better? Did it make you a better person? Did it make you popular? Did it help the situation? Sometimes, you think you’re giving good advice but you’re actually not helping the situation. You think you’re being a good “friend” when you’re actually just enabling someone to tear another person down.

FYI, I did not nor do I actively poison my kids’ minds. They can form their own opinion about other people based on their observations. Was it not you that left the very visible kissmarks on my ex? He told me you liked the idea that I can see it.

Did you also get off on the idea that my kids can see it too?

Was it not you who was sending your sexy pictures to my ex and when my youngest told me about it, my ex got mad at her until she cried? Was it not you who sent the “I love you po” message that my eldest saw and prompted me to have a breakdown in front of them? They knew I got angry and they absolutely for a fact know why: not because I told them but because of what you and your bf did not protect them from. And you make it look like I’m the bad mom behind my back. This was you being a friend eh? Where and when, in your relationship, with him did you ever think of my kids? The two of you were already planning a life behind our backs. How will everything affect them? I truly hope your child or your future child will never have to witness all the shit your bf and more recently you, made us go through. I hope they don’t have to go to therapy in Manila like my children are about to.

Again FYI, a***e is not useless. That girl whom you have judged just because you thought we were paying her( ex did not give her her full salary btw) is the best person ever. I love her and my kids adore her. We were not at the hospital with your bf because we were busy with the children. It was a school day. She had other things in her mind and she stayed for a few minutes and your bf did not say he needed anything else. You are the gf, weren’t you supposed to take care of him? I left him because it was no longer my place to take care of him and really after being treated like shit, I don’t have to. I already checked him in the hospital. Oh yeah, I wasn’t in the photos he sent you while he was in the ER. Useless? Were you the one laundering his clothes? Were you the one cooking for him? Were you the one taking care of his kids? Were you the one cleaning his room or his car? Are you doing any of those things now?

Before pointing the blame or judging someone, remind yourself that what you say about other people says a lot more about your character. Just because you think that no one else will see your conversation does not mean it’s okay. If you had a problem with me or my parenting, you should have confronted me instead of telling my ex what a shit person I am. I had no way of defending myself then.

Thank you. Thank you because I do not have to say anything bad about you. You saved me from it. Thank you for making me realize that THIS is the difference between us. I used to ask myself what made you or the other girls “better” than me, well, I guess I have an answer.

PS

And you know if you EVER want to know the truth, you should have asked for my side of the events. One person saying something does not equal a whole story. A cheater would have never told the target he’s cheating. What kind of woman stays in the same house with someone who claims they are no longer together and that it’s okay to flaunt gfs in front of her and her children? Why did I get mad at you then? So suddenly? Why did I throw him out of the house the same month I confronted you? And don’t tell me because of my bf. Lol. We met in July. He was actively pursuing you since April. Maybe earlier. Oh and did he tell you about the other girl on March, a month before? He sent her pretty much the same letter he sent you. I mean how many soulmates can one person have? He sent you pics of my BF and I first ever trip on the 13th ( i was not supposed to go but he demanded and even packed my bag for me, turns out it was your first week out together as an official couple, what a coincidence huh?

He asked me for sweet pics of us. He kept on demanding pics because he “allowed” me to get a bf. When I didn’t comply, he told me not to go home – he blackmails me to get what he wants and I was codependent on him- I longed for his approval, and unless you have gone through the same thing – you have no right to judge. Your bf arranged us to be together and I agreed because I knew he was never going to change for us. I knew he wanted a sob story. It’s a big coincidence that I fell for my guy and he with me. I wanted out of that relationship. He might’ve mentioned that I had other men(LOL)- if so, why did I stay all those years? I could have left easily then if I “did” have a bf like he said. Maybe in his perverted fantasies and has he opened up about them to you yet?

He agreed to leave once he got the new car. Yet he didn’t leave for a few more months. In those months did you know he tormented me? Did you know that after he spent the day with you he would come into my room, remove my child beside me and then force himself on me? He would come in the middle of the night and take pictures of me while sleeping? And I hated it. I told him I have a bf and he has you. Do you think that stopped him? Why do you think i keep pushing for him to leave? He says out there, in the outside world there were the two of you but whenever we’re together – there was an us. He threatened to never let me go. He told me that he loved me so much he could kill me. I believed that because I know he is trying to push me over the edge and he’s hoping I’d take my life. He has you, He has the kids and no one would know of anything he has done because I’m gone. I would have provided him the most perfect sob story too.

Why am I bothering to tell you all this when you obviously won’t believe me? Well because this is the truth no matter what that POS says, this is the truth. He will discredit me all he wants but goddamn I will bet my life and the lives of all I hold dear and all my remaining possessions and even whatever dignity I have left that what I am saying is the God honest truth. I have the screenshots. I have my children’s accounts.

My ex is a narcissist and a master manipulator and you became his best ever flying monkey. In trying to hurt me, you the new “yes-girl”,  also hurt my kids. That is unacceptable.

If you still want to know my take, my side, the ugly truth and not the comfort of lies, you still have my number. I doubt you’ll reach out though. I don’t even know why I need to validate myself through this but fuck it feels good to air my side of things. Ahhh, because you and bf have been spreading lies and my children deserve better.

They deserve the truth.

Your “wants” will never be a priority in my life. Whatever. That is over. You toxic piece of crap. This is the consequences of your actions. 2018, you’ll receive that letter from court. I’ll file it then because noone should get away with how you treated us. Karma will get you too but I will still file the abuse case. You tell eveyone you’re the victim but noone knows what we’ve gon through under you. You fit the narcissist profile to a T. I hope you end up in jail after i file this. Get you off that pedestal you think you’re on.

What i cannot accept

Why is it so easy for you to discard me and the kids?

How could you and your family make it look like we are not worth it?

We matter too.

My kids are awesome and fuck you all if you don’t think they are not worth fighting for. Fuck you all.

I’ll get through this.

I have to.