It started 11 years ago.

I met Carlo Alocilja Alvarez II online early 2006. With the promise to take care of me and my son ethan who was 2 at that time, we eloped. I took with me $2700 dollars, a part of my inheritance and a jewelry box. He said he had a stable job at his family business. His parents and him are publishers. He said he was not rich but since I am confident I could get a job, it was okay with me. He said his mother already paid the down payment for a townhouse and that it would be ours. At first, it was okay. He earned a little from the newspaper that was managed by his mother. He asked I use some of the dollars I had with me to renovate the front of the house. I thought of it as an investment at that time. Then i got pregnant with my 2nd child, Liam. It became more difficult because his income was not very stable. But I stayed hopeful and supportive. He wanted to become a film director. I supported his dream to become one as he worked on editing short movies to enter contests so that he would be recognized within the industry. Soon the dollars ran out and Liam was born. I was worried about the finances because the hospital bills (i was caesarian) baby milk formula, diaper and more were not cheap. There were times when we had no electricity and our food was gruel/arrozcaldo just so we could make ends meet. We were thrown out of the townhouse because they couldn’t pay the monthly fee and moved to marikina. Ethan, the eldest, is now in school. So on top of the rent and new baby, we had tuition to pay. I found a job in Manila. I travelled from marikina to Manila everyday while Carlo worked on the newspaper with his friend. After a few months of working, i found out I was pregnant with my third child, Caitlin. We were still not making enough so we moved to Cubao because we couldn’t pay the rent in marikina anymore. Ethan was diagnosed with late development and went into therapy for a brief time. Whenever we had trouble with money, i would pawn my jewelry. Carlo and his parents promised to get it back but they didn’t. We had to pawn jewelry that were part of my inheritance to be ablento afford food, house and basic needs at the house. Carlo wasn’t making enough. My ob fees were covered throughout because i worked at a cosmetic surgery clinic and the ob referred to me wirked there. I got them for free and sometimes, the vitamins too. I recommended carlo to the clinic and he worked as a freelance designer/ editor at the clinic so we had extra money. He made more than me but we still had no savings. It was fine. We could afford food and stuff we didn’t anymore. While I was pregnant, i encouraged him to sign up at a seminar in mowelfund for directing. So that he could expand his contacts. He graduated from that shortly after I gave birth to our youngest daughter. He landed a job in a big movie after that. It was to be shot for 3 months in Bohol. My daughter was just 3 months old at that time and I had 2 small children to look after too. We had to hire someone to help me since I could not lift heavy objects since my last pregnancy was also a caesarian section. In Bohol, he met a model/actress with whom he had an affair with(pics provided). He told me he fell in love and contemplated if he still wanted to be part of our family. He kept it from me for a year before he told me the truth. Unbeknownst to me, he would still meet with her a few times when she visited Manila. I gave him another chance. I still worked at the clinic but i worked online as a social media manager so that I could look after the kids. Carlo kept on trying to make it in the film industry but could not catch a break. I would help him form stories, edit his works. We even made a soft porn film because we needed the money which I also co-wrote. (Lamog the movie with Maui Taylor). I went back to work at the office since I was offered a managerial job at their new branch in libis but I quit a few months before they opened because of issues with my boss. Before I quit, i landed carlo another job that led him to meet a local up and coming celebrity. After a few months of no jobs, I was offered a parttime job as a marketing consultant at another clinic which I readily accepted. We were living at another house again. I did not get along with his parents because they keep promising things like money or jobs but it never pans out and this always leaves us hungry and penniless. We also had different notions of how to properly rear a child. I was blamed or accused of not feeding the children when i don’t give them a bottle of milk because I want them to eat rice and meat and veggies. As a result and because i left my middle child with them for the time that i was working, liam only got nutrition from bottled milk and did not eat rice until he was 4. They made ethan who was then 7 yo wear a diaper so that he would not pee the bed. Liam and Casey had no or incomplete vaccinations because they( carlo and parents) did not get them to the center for free vaccinations because either they had no time or there were too many people. I did not have money, i did not know where to go and that is why i could not do it on my own. I would get worried when they got sick but i told myself we had to wait until we had enough money to be able to afford health care for the children. Anyway, carlo kept making music videos for the artist and that is when he got noticed by Viva records. Before he signed the contract, i quit my job because of issues at work and ethan had to stop school because we can’t afford the tuition ( we still have an outstanding balance of atleast 300k at the old school) I decided to homeschool. At 7/8 ethan still cannot read at this point. I taught ethan and liam how to read and write while Casey watches. We had to leave and rent at another house again. This time, at a small house in san mateo. The house was small, dirty, and hot. Carlo barely came home. His father would sometimes come and help but ultimately, we were left there hidden and helpless at times. I had to leave rthan and liam alone in the house because we had no food. I had to rush. The house would get flooded whenever it rains and the garbage would accumulate because the collector does not go inside the street. For me to take out the trash, i would have to haul it out into the main road which was quite far. I asked for help but sometimes noone would come. I would boil tap water because i cannot go out and get water or else i would have to leave all three children under the age of ten at home without a guardian. I once caught ethan playing with matches while i went out to get groceries. I endured it all because i had to understand that Carlo is “working”. I am not allowed to txt or call him while he is working.at this time, I did not know that he was playing house with a singer. He would sleep there and he would have food while I worried and waited if he would come home. I did not receive any txts informing me when he will be home. He also had a fling with a known celebrity at this time. Basically, he is living a single fun life while his kids and i had to live with whatever money he could leave with us. He would buy the kids expensive ipads and shoes and clothes but they are still not in school. He uses these expensive things and shows them off on social media to give him a sort of “good and responsible father” image to his co workers and friends. Everytime i would see him with another girl on fb, he would scoff and invalidate my concerns by telling me they’renjust friends. Inspite of that though, Ethan learned to read and write. So did Liam and Casey. Carlo would get mad at me everytime i refuse his affections because I was tired. I was depressed and I had three kids to take care of and i don’t usually get a good night sleep because i keep waiting for him to come home.

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All of it.

If you felt like a rapist while fucking me then you should have listened when I said NO

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_59095084e4b03b105b44bd65/amp

Bruises

I should’ve known the first time we played that game. You hit my arm, i hit you harder. I usually am the first one that breaks. I couldn’t stop the tears and you would laugh and say I lost. And i let the bruises bloom on my arm, or on my thigh. And you would look at it and smirk.

But then this time, the games weren’t physical anymore. You hurt my feelings and I hurt yours and we got a little satisfaction everytime the other cringes in pain.

only, I break.

Only, I end up in tears.

I should have stopped playing years ago. I knew I would always lose.

Haayyy

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Do this and you will hate yourself longer because you can't say no and the guilt will kill you. Plus, your self respect has been through enough dontcha think?
Do that and you will hate yourself because you dislike not pleasing people but you'll feel better in the long run.

Either way you'll feel bad BUT… the other will help you in the long run.

You deserve better. You've been saying it for years and you know it's true. It's going to be okay.

It's okay to say no.